I was amazed at reading the story of Kay Arthur. Kay and her husband Jack are the founders of Precept Ministries. Kay’s first husband was man named Tom. On the second night of their honeymoon, Tom sat Kay down and listed the things he didn’t like about her and he wanted them changed! Kay naturally was devastated. Clearly she was not loved unconditionally.
When I was thinking about the core values that apply to our relationship and I thought back to how I felt when I married, it was a very youthful perspective. In time to come you will hear about the many differences between Mike & I, but the one that may be mentioned more than once is our age difference. Mike is 13 years and 8 months older than I am. I was 21 when we got married. He was already 35.
He had never been married. There absolutely were no shortest of girls interested in Mike. He was spoiled for choice. I often wondered why he chose me. He tells me no warning bells went off when he got to know me. He just figured I was the girl for him! As for me, it happened slightly differently.
I had a list!
At the tender age of about 16, I had written a list of what I wanted in a guy and apart from the age difference (which I can’t remember stipulating), Mike filled every single criteria. I had prayed about the list and I had prayed for Mike. Mike too had prayed for his future wife and we laugh on a regular basis about that. Mike, at the tender age of 13 prayed for a wife. The Lord listened and then said, “He needs someone special…what’s in production? Ah, yes, Helga, she will be perfect, but I will have to grow her for him!” And so the long wait began. I had to grow up!
I remember seeing Mike after church one evening. We had met before. While drinking tea in the church hall I chatted to him and remember thinking to myself that it was almost a pity I was dating someone else, because Mike would be a really nice guy to get to know. There was an immediate attraction. It wasn’t long after this meeting that my boyfriend and I parted company and I was once again available.
Mike at the time was working at the Cape Town branch of the YMCA. One day I was walking through a shopping mall when a lady who worked with Mike stopped me. She said they were having a sing-a-long at the “Y” that night and did I want to come along. I asked “Is ‘Mike van’ still there?” She said “Yes.” “Does he have a girlfriend?” I asked. She said, ‘no.” I said, “I think I might just come along!”
And so off I went to woo my future husband! It worked! I was young. I was in love. He popped the question. I said yes. How easy was that? But I would be very naïve to think that it ended there.
During my engagement days, people would ask me how old Mike was. When I told them our age difference, they would tell me I was crazy. These were people who didn’t know either of us, but it led me to thinking about the future. I would be 25 and he would be 38. I would be 30, he would be 43. I would be 60, he would be 73. Would we make our 50th wedding anniversary? He would be 85! But I was in love and the age issue was dimmed by the bright glow of pure devotion.
I have to admit that I love Mike more today than I did on the overcast winter’s day of our marriage. Our love is unconditional. Through the rocky times, the unattractive times and the undignified times, the one thing we can say for sure is we love each other.
Unconditional love is essential to a happy marriage. Love each other without strings attached.
5 Tips to Unconditional Love.
1. In my youth, we had a saying at church that said “if you’re not as close to God as you used to be, who moved?” That’s also a good question to ask if you find yourself drifting away from your spouse. Who has moved? Is it you or is it your partner?
2. Often times, marriages are doing fine for many years and then they seem to become stale. They just don’t “do it for you”. Ask not “what is my marriage (or spouse) doing for me”; ask, “what am I doing for my marriage (or spouse) ?”
3. Have some faith that you made the right decision when you walked down the aisle. Many times couples who stick it out for 5 years from what seems to be a period of stagnation are glad they did.
4. At times in our lives each of us will be sick, will be compromised in some way or other. We both need to take responsibility for looking after the other’s needs. If we don’t look after each other, who will?
5. God’s love for us is unconditional. He accepts us just as we are and we are told to do the same for each other. BOTH partners have to be responsible for their part.
1 Corinthians 13 vss 4-8
“Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not eagerly angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. “
Keep the smile going.
God bless you!
In His Grip,
Helga xx 🙂