We all do stupid things sometimes. Yesterday I watched a programme about the marriage of a couple and I was shocked! The wife was really badgering her husband about doing the housework. She had outlined chores that he had to do. One of them was cleaning the 
bathroom, including the toilet. What she discovered her husband doing was cleaning the bathroom surfaces with the toilet brush!!! Pretty bad hey?! But what freaked me out more than his mis-demeanour was the fact that she had glibly let the whole world know. She had purposefully embarrassed him on international television. He was humiliated and belittled.
That was worse than the incident itself.
One really important trait in marriage is to DEFEND one another and not to publicly attack and criticise. I’m not saying that he should have got away with cleaning the basins with the toilet brush. If I found Mike doing this, my reaction would be as horrified as anyone’s, but my response would be different. I wouldn’t want to highlight something that Mike had done wrong. I’d prefer to protect his reputation.
So what if I walk into the bathroom and find Mike with the toilet brush in his hand and he’s merrily scrubbing my bathroom basin with it. I would hope it wouldn’t be worse than this:
“Michael! Michael! Michael!” I would squeal (I always call him Michael when I need to emphasise something.)….”Let me give you something else to clean with! The toilet brush belongs in the loo, not in the basin! Here, use this (passing bathroom rag to him).”
Episode over! I would not tell the children what he had done. I would not tell my friends what he had done. I would not tell his mother what he had done. I would not tell an international marriage television programme what he had done.
Why belittle him? Why highlight his ignorance..
If, in marriage, we are what the Bible describes as being ‘one flesh’, then it must follow that we are a team. I support Mike and he supports me. I am his biggest fan and he is mine. We protect each other’s integrity. We protect each other’s reputation. We protect each others ignorance. We build each other up instead of tearing each other down. We affirm one another as opposed to criticizing one another. Our aim is to contribute to the relationship and not contaminate it. We want the other to blossom and not to wilt. I want Mike to feel good about himself and not bad.
I think one of the main reasons I labour this issue is because of my weakness in so many areas, including cars.
Once upon a time, we had a car that was getting old. It was using more oil than usual and was overheating, so needed regular water as well. One day the car looked like it was overheating. I knew that it could come to pass that it would blow a gasket if I didn’t watch out, so keeping the water level up was imperative.
I got home and let the car cool down. Then I opened the bonnet, opened the first lid I saw and poured a healthy amount of water into the engine. It was only on closer inspection of the cap in my hand, that I realised I’d just filled the oil sump with water!!!!! I knew this was VERY VERY bad!
When I realised what I had done, Mike was not the first person I phoned. The first person I called was my mechanic! I just wanted to fix the problem. He wanted to come and tow the car away, so I told him I’d call him back if I needed him. I decided the best thing to do was to call Mike and ‘fess up. So I did. Mike’s response was fantastic! Not a word of criticism. He didn’t yell or scream or shout. He didn’t ask, ‘what were you thinking?’ He didn’t call me stupid or useless. He just asked one question, “have you tried to start it?” I was quick to say ‘no’ and he was even quicker to tell me not to. He came home, emptied the sump and sorted the problem out. I was hugely apologetic and learned very quickly where oil lives and where water lives under the bonnet. But since that day, I still have never put water or oil in the engine!
We all have strengths and weaknesses. We help one another where we need to. We support one another’s strengths.
Mike doesn’t talk about the time I put water in the oil sump. I do. He just laughs and shakes his head.
I never fear mockery from Mike. I feel secure in his love.
That’s the way it should be.
John 15:12
My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.
Jesus laid that foundation. We just need to apply it to our marriages.
Keep the smile going.
God bless you!
In His Grip,
Helga xx 🙂