Three years ago today, while sitting and having lunch, my friend Riana and I discussed if there were any tips for raising well adjusted children. I turned it into a blog for that day. Here’s what we came up with:
Not that we have all the answers or anything, but today I sat down with a friend who adds a whole lot of value to my life. Riana!
Peter and Riana have raised three boys who today are young men to be proud of. When I look at Stacey and David, by God’s grace, Mike & I too, are grateful for who they have turned out to be as young adults. Riana and I went to the lovely Tasha’s at Constantia Village and had breakfast together.
Over Fiontino, the conversation drifted to life and raising children and what works and what doesn’t. I immediately thought about how this would be good blog material. As we drove home, we spoke a bit more and got a few more ideas, concluding that we are NOT the experts, but together we have 47 (now it’s 50!) years of raising children. There may be some who find our tips helpful. So here we go…
1. Be a Role Model.
Children learn what they live. They are following your example from their very earliest years. They are sponges and copycats of your behaviour. If you smoke, they probably will. If you drink, they probably will. If you eat a lot of junk food, they probably will! We all make mistakes. How you solve the mistakes you make will impact their lives.
2. Mentors
Look to put your children in the company of people who will impact them in a positive meaningful way. People who share the same values as you and who will reiterate those values to your children outside of your home. This means that they are hearing the message they have heard at home from others who they respect. Two things come out of this. Firstly, the mentor is endorsing what you have been saying. Secondly, the child is more likely to listen to a second opinion from a person they trust and respect. These mentors may be a trusted aunt or uncle or a youth pastor or close family friend. As far as you possibly can, get them involved in a church youth group.
3. Give Freedom Gradually
From the moment your child is born, you are ‘growing them.’ The quest is for independence…talking, walking, eating, maturing. Let them go bit by bit. It may be allowing them to walk to school, if it’s safe and not too far….even if you surreptitiously follow them until you are happy they can do it alone! The aim is to have a child who will face life confidently after school and not be petrified of the big wide world because they’ve never stepped into it without you. Worse still if you have protected them from the world for 18 years and then throw them into it, you’re likely to have them go wild!
4. Give Them A Safe Loving Environment
It takes a lot of love to grow a well-adjusted child. A home should be a safe place where they know they are accepted unconditionally and they can be themselves. They must know they are loved. They need regular affirmation from both parents, with lots of encouragement, patience and sympathy. It’s tough being a teenager! They may have issues they absolutely cannot come round to sharing with you. Don’t force them to. Showing concern and telling them that you are there for them should they need you is what they need to hear. They will speak eventually. Some children just can’t find it to put their mixed up emotions into words. When they are feeling this insecure, spend extra one on one time with them and try and do something special with them – cause a distraction.
5. Look After Your Marriage
Husbands love your wives. Wives respect your husbands. Be a team. Let your marriage and family life be your special project. Be on the same page. Have fun together as a couple and have plan outings and holidays together as a family. Have date night for the two of you and family nights for everyone. Take differences of opinion behind closed doors. Never fight in front of the children. Be a united front. If you are a single parent, look after yourself. You are the grown up, not the teenager. Dress like a grown up, behave like a grown up. Be serious about parenting. I know you may be desperate to have company and remarry, but your first responsibility is to the children in your home. If you are currently in an unhappy, hostile marriage, don’t make adult problems your children’s problems. Don’t discuss your marriage issues with your young teenagers. It’s not fair on them. If you need advice, find someone else to give it to you. Don’t criticize or complain about your spouse to your children. It just confuses them and tears them up inside having to take sides.
6. Pick Your Battles
Say yes to as much as possible, so that when big issues come up and you say ‘no’ it’s easier for them to accept. It’s easy to say ‘no’ all the time. Quite often what they are asking for won’t actually take up as much time as you thought it would and it will make them very happy. If what they are asking for won’t matter in 5 years time, the answer generally could be ‘yes.’ Going to drunken parties may set off a series of events that results in them turning to drugs or alcohol. Piercing his ear or eyebrow won’t matter in 5 years time. If they want a tattoo, tell them you are very happy to get them a temporary one and if they still like it after a year (you may need to keep replacing it!), you will consider it. Don’t say ‘absolutely not’, it will just spur them on to disobey you!
7. Be An Informed Parent
Get to know the parents of your children’s friends so you know who they are and what their values are. Then when your child wants to spend the night there or go away for the weekend with the friend, you have their phone numbers and an open door of contact. If they are going to a late night party, phone the parents ahead of time and find out if there is anything you can send or if you can be of any help on the night! That way you will find out if the parents actually know about the party and if they do, if they are going to be there. Get involved in your child’s school, so you can keep closer tabs on his/her performance. Go to school meetings, help at tuckshop, be the driver to sports events….that kind of thing.
8. Be Their Biggest Fan
There’s no one else to do this job. As parents, you have to be your child’s biggest fan. All of us need someone to encourage us, help us, nurture us and tell us to keep going. You child may not show appreciation and say thank you 10 times a day, but regardless of their response, they need you to be their cheerleader. You need to be the one that tells them they are unique, they are special, they can do anything they want to do, they will succeed. You need to sow positive affirmation into their lives as often as possible. If you don’t do this, they will look for it elsewhere.
9. Don’t Be Their Best Friend
The role of best friends between parents and children is not when they are teenagers! There will come a time when you may be best friends with your children, but when you are parenting them, it’s not the time. You have to take on the role of being a parent, an authority person who loves them, but sees the need to discipline them. You are not there to please them. Your goal is, under God’s guidance, to raise them to be law abiding, responsible adults. Being best buddies and trying to act their age is not going to fulfill your goal. You are the grown up. You need to be law-abiding and responsible!
10. Have Faith
Not much has been said thus far about raising your child using Biblical principles as a guide. Let the Bible be your handbook for raising your family. Between its pages lies one truth after another that will direct you into creating a strong moral foundation for you and your family. Live your faith. Pray for your children and with your children. Let the outworking of your life be based on the guidance you find in the Word of God.
2 Timothy 3:16-17 All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be competent, equipped for every good work.
In the end you do the best that you can, trust the Lord they’ll turn out okay & then marvel when they do, in spite of flawed parents!
God bless you loads and have a fabulous weekend!
In His Grip,
Helga xx 