When you put two people of different personalities with different backgrounds, different genes and different hormones together, you’re bound to get conflict. It’s going to happen, but what you do with it is within your control.
Each spouse brings to the marriage a whole set of ingrown methods of dealing with conflict and anger. Their parents have been the primary people to pass on these methods. The old saying “children learn what they live” is never as true as when it comes to dealing with hostility. If parents deal with differing opinions by screaming at each other, then that pattern could very well materialize in their children. If they set the standard of never fighting in front of the children, then the children could quite possibly carry that rule into adulthood.
But whatever ingrown method you bring to the marriage table, if it’s bad, it can be changed and that’s important to know. I could write a book on its own about conflict in marriage. Mike and I have had our fair share of working out our issues.
Pic from lifeboat.com
There are 8 particular areas of arguing that have worked for us. You have to choose to argue well.
Avoid Explosions.
When Mike was about 14, he used to make caramel by boiling a tin of condensed milk in a pot of water on the stove. His friend learnt from this and decided to also give it a try. One afternoon, Mike and his friend were playing at Mike’s home when the friend suddenly said “oops!” He had forgotten the condensed milk on the stove. Together they raced back to his house and on entering, the first thing they noticed was there was no sound of bubbling water. But it was the sight in the kitchen that has remained imprinted on their minds for more than 4 decades. Spread from one side of the ceiling to another was the remains of an exploded tin of caramelized condensed milk. It was not a happy sight! The son was not very popular when his parents arrived home, but there is a lesson to be learned from this. Pent up feelings have a nasty habit of also exploding if they are not released bit by bit. It’s best in marriage to keep the air clean between you. If there is something on your mind, choose an appropriate time to sit down with your spouse and discuss the issue in a civilized manner. You can’t read each other’s minds. Communication is all-essential in marriage. How are you to know what the other is thinking unless they tell you? An open honest talk about something on your mind will prevent an explosion of caramelized proportions.
If something is irritating you about your spouse, don’t wait until there’s a fight to tell them. Think very carefully about what you are going to say and how you are going to say it. Many issues in marriage are negotiated.
For example, if you are the wife, working outside the house, holding down a full time job, trying to run a home and you feel you don’t have your husband’s support, don’t wait to explode and let all the venom of not being helped come spewing out
It’s far better to choose a time where the stress is less and say something like, “Honey, can we talk about something? I don’t think it’s fair for you to arrive home to complete chaos and supper not planned for a certain time. I’m sure if we shared the responsibility of dinner, we could get a better routine going. Do you think it would work better to take turns? What days would suit?”
Then discuss it. We are not mind-readers. You can tell your spouse how you feel without turning it into an accusational, blame-filled argument.
Fight Alone.
Many rules for fighting fair have been expressed over the years and one that clearly is at the top of the list is not to fight in front of the family or for that matter in public at all.
If you are going to have a barney, be sure go and have it somewhere on your own. There is an old English saying “don’t air your dirty linen in public” and that is a good adage by which to live.
Mike & I learned this lesson early. Stacey was about 2 when she heard Mike & I arguing. Mike, who has such a mild temperament, raised his voice at me. I was so shocked, I fell into a stony silence. With the air thick with tension and a cold silence brimming between us, suddenly a little voice broke through,
“Daddy’s naughty!”
We were both so gob-smacked. We both packed up laughing, but sweet Stace had taught us that her ears were hearing, her young mind was perceiving and her little heart was being influenced.
Exposing your children to your arguing or bickering is not necessary and is destructive. From your actions, your children will learn that this is how to argue. If you don’t want your children yelling and screaming at each other, don’t do it. Make a rule that’s set in stone, that you won’t argue in front of your children. This becomes a major challenge when driving in the car and you lose your way. There are a couple options when tempers rise on road trips. One is to stop the car and get out. Take a moment to calm down and then discuss the issue away from prying ears. Another option is to take the high road. As soon as tempers flare, choose to keep quiet and leave it to your spouse. You can resolve the issue when you do (eventually) arrive at your destination. Some of our most tense in-front-of-the-children heated discussions have been in the car. Try and avoid those!
Confidentiality.
One of the important issues that Mike & I have depended upon over the years is confidentiality when it comes to our arguments. We have never gone back to friends, family or strangers and poured out our sob stories and complained about any arguments we’ve had. We’ve kept them confidential and resolved them amicably, even if it has taken a while. Trust me, I’ve told friends afterwards, but when we have an issue, we turn toward each other to find solutions and not to others.
Find Some Perspective.
No couple sits down and says “let’s have a good argument!” Often they flare up and before you know it, you’re in the middle of it. It’s at that time that you should stop for a few seconds and ask yourself how important this will be in a month or a year or 5 years. It probably will lose its significance. While you’ve paused to evaluate the importance of the subject, it will also be a good time to set a limit on how long you are going to argue for. This is quite challenging as it may result in it being unresolved by the end of the time period, but at least you won’t waste any further emotional energy in continuing. The right thing to do is to stop at the appointed time and agree to give it some thought and re-address the issue at a later stage.
Keep Calm and Don’t Swear.
Other simple rules for fighting include not shouting. This may be a bad habit to break, but because you love your spouse and respect them, screeching at the top of your voice does not somehow gel with your new-found opinion that this person is your top priority, more so than your multi-million dollar client. If you are not going to yell at your client, don’t yell at your spouse. The same applies to using bad language and name-calling or any other character assassination.
Don’t Get Hysterical OR Historical.
Another common mistake made when couples argue is that it becomes an extension of every other problem you’ve ever had. So a good rule would be to keep to the point or subject in question and don’t bring up old events. Keep focussed on the topic at hand.
Take Turns.
Give your partner the opportunity to give their point. Don’t interrupt and think before you speak. Marriage is not a competition. You are both working towards the same ends. You are both on the same team. Listen to your spouse. Allow them to finish. Then repeat back to them what you think they have meant. This ensures that you have understood how they are feeling. It also gives them the opportunity to correct you if you have not picked up the problem. Take turns in hearing each other out. Often, just both being allowed to express your feelings immediately assists in resolving the issue. If you can understand the problem, you are half way there to resolving it.
Don’t Walk Away.
In our early days of marriage, I was always the one that walked away. When I didn’t want to hear Mike any more, I walked out. Sometimes, if we were arguing in bed (a very bad place to argue), I would try and block my ears so I didn’t have to hear him! We once had a caravan and I remember storming out one night telling Mike I was absolutely NOT going to share a bed with him! I curled myself up in the caravan bed and tried to sleep. A short time later there was a little tap tap on the door and in came my husband.
“Please Helga, come inside,” he said. “I’m not letting you sleep out here.”
Yay! He came.
I crumbled.
I cannot remember what that argument was about!
I so often walked away, but when I climbed into another bed or drove off in my car, Mike was always desperate for me to return.
I don’t walk away any more. I sit it out. I listen more. I let Mike get his own way. Often times, he thinks more about the issue at hand and resolves to meet me half way.
That’s marriage.
Truth be told, it’s better to be kind that to be right!
Keep Your Sense Of Humour.
Try and see the funnier side of life. Mike has a great way of completely diffusing an argument by laughing. It may seem completely inappropriate and absolutely infuriating, but if you go along with it, the tension crumbles. The warmth of laughter and smiling quickly evaporates the issue and very quickly a degree of normality returns. Be sensitive though. Sometimes laughter can be perceived as mockery and a lack of respect of how the other is feeling. Keep your sense of humour, but be gentle….and humble…and patient!
Ephesians 4:2
“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.”
Keep the smile going!
God bless you!
In His Grip,
Helga xx 🙂
