I remember watching the Amazing Race reality show on TV. I was shocked to watch how some of the married participants treated each other. I know they were under pressure and emotions ran high, but it still was unacceptable to see how little respect they paid one another. Name calling, belittling, constant criticism & emotional abuse just seemed to be levelled at one another every single day. I watched in horror while a couple swore at each other tearing the other down, degrading one another and doing it all on international TV. That should not be happening.
Don’t criticize…. Ever. No name-calling. No character assassination. Bite your lip. Keep your mouth shut. Count to 10. Make a habit of encouragement. Treat your husband/wife like a priceless treasure that cannot be replaced. If you both do this, marriage will immediately take on a happier hue. You’re there to build up, not to break down.
As far as dealing with conflict, I love the suggestion of Gary Smalley. If you do have a point of contention, an unresolved conflict or a frustration with your partner, here’s his suggestion. It’s like going to a drive-through restaurant.
Each person has the opportunity to play the part of the person ordering take-aways and then as the person receiving the order. Say the wife starts by being the person giving the order. She starts by explaining exactly how she feels. She does this without attacking her husband so she may say phrases such as “I feel angry that I have to live day by day without money” as opposed to “You never give me money, you’re selfish and tightfisted!” Any other problems can be aired at the same time. The husband listens without interrupting. That is key. You allow the other to speak. Listen without interrupting. Once the wife has finished, the husband does nothing more than repeat what he has understood his wife to have said. So he may say “from what I understand, you are frustrated at the lack of money you receive and you need more”. Once he has explained his understanding, they can reverse roles and the husband can air his frustrations while the wife listens. This way, there are no heated interruptions and each person has the opportunity to air their views in a non-threatening non aggressive way. Once each person understands how the other is feeling, the opportunity for resolution of the problem is far more likely.
A few top tips for coping with contentious issues
- Never start a sentence with ‘you always….’ Rather begin it with, “I feel unhappy because ….”
- Get into the habit of listening to your spouse and train yourself not to interrupt.
- If you think you husband/wife is completely flawed and you are desperate to let them know, find 5 compliments for every criticism.
- Ask yourself if this issue will be of importance 5 years from now.
- Focus on appreciating your spouse.
- With this last point, I learned a lot from Mike. He shows gratitude, appreciation & enthusiasm towards me every single day. He never criticizes many of my very weak points. He focusses on my strong points, encourages them and compliments them. I have learned, from his constant building me up, to do the same to him. I take great pleasure in telling him how wonderful he is, but he started it and it rubbed off on me.
- You can’t change your circumstances but you can change how you react to them. It’s amazing how effective and catching kindness and gratitude can be.
It takes humility to step down. Before Mike & I married, we rented an apartment in Tamboerskloof and I moved in the month before the wedding. On my first night there, we discovered the door opening from the bedroom to the balcony was faulty and wouldn’t lock. I immediately was very insecure and didn’t relish the idea of sleeping in an unlocked room. Mike insisted that pushing the dressing table against the door would be sufficient and promised to repair it the next day. I was not happy. I wanted the door fixed. It was late. As much as I tried to persuade him to fix it, he tried to persuade me I would be safe.
At an impasse, I blurted, “I suppose this is what it’s going to be like when we are married!”
Mike froze in the doorway. He looked at me and to my astonishment he said, “You are right. I will make a plan now.”
Ephesians 4:2 comes to mind
“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient bearing with one another in love.”
Love one another.
Keep the smile going.
God bless you!
In His Grip,
Helga xx 🙂