Unfortunately, abuse in marriage is far more common that most people know. It is a shameful secret that goes on behind closed doors and is never (or very seldom) revealed to even closest family members.
You may be a woman who has a husband who controls not only your entire marriage but also your entire life. In doing so, he makes you feel vulnerable, insufficient and pretty useless. In short he could be psychologically abusing you. Or you could be in a marriage in which you have been physically abused. This behaviour is unacceptable, no matter how much you feel to blame. You may be making excuses for your husband, saying your drive him to hit you, but the truth is his behaviour is unacceptable, no matter what you have done.
Picture from pickthebrain.com
Several years ago I had two encounters that really woke me up to the fact that no matter where you live, physical abuse is rife in society.
Larry* must have been about 7 years old when he arrived at my home, his tousled blonde hair hanging loosely over his bright blue eyes. As he spoke, his lisp was noticeable and overall he was a very cute, innocent little boy. He had come to visit my son from his home just around the corner. David, who was the same age at the time had been to his house and had now bought him home to play at ours. After Larry went home, David came to me and with wide eyes said “MOM, you should see Larry’s mom”. “What about her,” I replied. “His dad hit her,” was his shocked answer. I was stunned. I had seen the mother from time to time, but had never spoken to her. The next time Larry visited, I asked him “How’s your mom?” “Not too good” came his reply. “How come?” I asked. “My dad hit her” he said simply. “Why?” I asked. “Because she burnt the food” he said. I tried not to look shocked, but I felt intensely sad and wondered what kind of message this belligerent abusive father was sending to his 3 sons. Did he understand that children learn what they live and that he was demonstrating to them how to treat women? He could be breeding a future of wife-beaters. It wasn’t long after that that Larry told me his mom had gone to stay with his grand-mother. It was a relief, I thought, at least she will be safer there. Several years have passed and I wondered what happened to the family who have since moved away but that story stays with me.
The second encounter also had me stunned. She was a woman in her 40s and from all accounts had been happily married for 20 years. She and her husband attended church, had good jobs and a nice house. One day she called me up on the phone and we chatted. There was clearly something on her mind and eventually she came out with it. Her husband had hit her. I was taken aback and was pretty much at a loss for words. She poured out the story and I listened and consoled her. “What should she do?” she wanted to know. “He needs help” was my response. “Yes,” she said, “but he won’t ever go for it”. It was the first time he had hit her and I put myself in her position and wondered what I would do. In the end I suggested they go for counselling if he was open to it, but if he wasn’t, she should wait and see how his behaviour progressed. We never spoke again on the subject and I have often wondered if it was an isolated incident and didn’t happen again, or if it is a nasty ongoing secret with which this poor woman has to live.
After reading Susan Forward’s book entitled Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them, I understood more about how abuse need not only be physical in order for it to be destructive. Abuse is described as “any behaviour that is designed to control & subjugate another human being through the use of fear, humiliation & verbal or physical assaults.” It includes unrelenting criticism, but very clearly, as Ms. Forward says in her book, you don’t have to be hit to be abused. She adds that in psychological battering the weapons are words and the abuse entails a systematic persecution of one partner by another. I learned so much from reading this book which was first published in 1986. It became a New York Times Best Seller, a clear indication of how rife psychological abuse is in our society.
Often in a psychologically abusive relationship, threats of violence may occur but never be carried out. Either way if you have been physically abused or feel threatened, you have to take action.
Let me reiterate this point: the behaviour of the abuser is not acceptable. You are NOT responsible for the behaviour of the abuser. You need to protect yourself and your family and if you feel in any way threatened, seek help today. Have a plan in mind to be able, at short notice to remove yourself and your children from the abusive situation, to have a safe house to go to and a means of taking care of yourself even if it is for a short while.
ADDICTIONS
Addictions of any sort, those that interfere with your life or your marriage and affect it in a negative way, need to be dealt with. Alcohol, drugs, gambling, pornography all contribute to the ongoing rise in the divorce rate.
You don’t have to look too far to discover the harm of various social ills on family life. In my reading on the subject, 4 words jumped out at me which describe the feelings of those who have to live with those embroiled in some social disease or addiction – they are GUILT, SHAME, ANGER, FEAR.
No one who loves their family would want them to feel any of those at any time, especially they would not want them to live with these feelings day in and day out.
Alcohol is a major problem in the break up not only of marriages but families too. A message, quoted in Signs of the Times, December, 1993, p. 6 says the following: “If there’s an alcoholic parent in the family, there’s a 50 percent chance one of the children will become an alcoholic. If there are two alcoholic parents, it’s an 85 percent chance”.
From www.alcoholism.about.com website you read statements such as:
Alcohol abuse has probably ended more marriages and broken up more families than we will ever know.
And …
In the chat room here at the Alcoholism / Substance Abuse site at About.com, we frequently hear visitors saying: “I don’t know what to do! I can’t take it anymore. I just want it to stop! I’m thinking about leaving him, but I really still love him. Besides, when he is not drinking, he really is a nice guy…”
If you are in a marriage with an alcoholic, something has to change in order for your marriage and family life to improve. You need the co-operation of your partner in the process. Counseling is available to both parties, i.e. the alcoholic and his/her spouse in order to attain rehabilitation.
If you have a family member who is addicted to alcohol, drugs or gambling, these strategies may help you. They are based on those suggested by Ellen Wijnberg in her book for Teens on Alcohol. I’ve adapted them & added one extra.
Ten Strategies for Survival in Deal with Social Disease in the Family
1. Although this is your spouse’s disease, it is occupying the attention & energy of the whole family. You can’t stop your spouse but you don’t have to feel responsible for the behaviour either.
1. Your negative feelings are natural; your spouse has disappointed you in a major way. Try and separate your spouse from his/her behaviour.
2. Learn the difference between caring about and caring for your spouse. He/She has to face consequences for their behaviour.
3. Try not to dwell on past hurts and try to maintain realistic expectations for the future. Concentrate on what you can do to make your life better for yourself now.
4. Learn all you can about their disease.
5. Learn ways to deal with your own stress in healthy ways.
6. Talk to others who have had similar problems and have survived.
7. Don’t ignore your problems. You’re only fooling yourself if you think they’ll disappear by themselves.
8. Learn to do more things that make you feel good about yourself.
9. Don’t stop praying for your spouse.
Colossians 3:19
“Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.”
God bless.
In His Grip,
Helga