It was a humdinger of an argument. It centred around a cell phone and me going against Mike’s wishes without first discussing it with him. Stacey was about 13 at the time and was going out for the evening. I wanted her to be able to call me if she needed a lift home. Our children happened, back in those days, to have a history when it came to cell phones – they had been mislaid and stolen, and 15 years ago, when cell phones were in their infancy, they were far more expensive than they are today. As a result Mike said, “no more cell phones for the children for a while!” This particular evening Mike was at a meeting and it suited me for Stacey take a cell phone with her to the youth group she was attending. That sounds perfectly reasonable. If only I had discussed it with Mike!
When Mike arrived home at around 10-30pm, he naturally asked “Where’s Stacey?” I said “At the church”. He replied “How’s she getting home?” I answered, “She’s going to call if she needs a lift”. “How’s she going to do that?” he wanted to know. How can he ask that? I had completely defied him and now had to come clean. I looked at him warily and meekly admitted: “I gave her my old cell phone so she can call us.” He was furious.
So followed one of the nastiest arguments Mike & I have ever had. There were raised voices, there were tears, and there were stampings and fury. There was a lack of understanding and a lack of respect. The reason why I put it into the “worst argument of all time” category is because all these years later I remember why we argued. Mike phoned Stacey on the cell phone and stormed out to get her. When he returned, the argument continued. Eventually after 11pm midnight, we still had not arrived at a peaceful conclusion. I, by now, was past tears and was very, very angry. I got dressed, got in my car and drove away. The problem with doing that is where to go! I headed for the beach. I had no money and ironically no cell phone with me. I scratched around and found a small amount of change. I stopped by a call box and around about midnight, I called Mike. The conversation was very short but it went like this: “I am going to be coming home. I’m just going for a drive. Good bye!” And I hung up. That night I drove for what seemed like miles and miles and miles. It gave us both a chance to cool off. What bought me down to earth pretty quickly was that I was now driving on a very dark road, when I noticed I had very little fuel left. No money, no cell phone and quite a way to go before I got home. That was a wake-up call! The argument faded into insignificance as I turned my attention to my own survival. What would I do if I ran out of petrol on this dark road? I felt silly and small!
But I got home without mishap.
Mike met me at the door with open arms – in fact I think he was standing on the road waiting for me. We apologized and hugged and made up, but both of us felt a little tender in the days that followed.
With the arrival of children comes an increase in conflict. A whole new set of dynamics arise that rock the boat. We don’t fall pregnant and then enrol in parenting school, although we should. We leave the hospital smiling with babe in arms and arrive home frazzled with baby screaming their lungs out while one concerned parent squawks “what’s wrong?” And so begins a lifelong discussion of what to do for or with junior!
Is there a simple solution? It was Henry Ward Beecher who said it first: The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother. I believe the opposite also applies. The most important thing a mother can do for her children is to love their father.
All these years later as I reflect on that argument, my current maturity makes me see it all in a different light. What were we thinking?! We both behaved badly. In the big scheme of things, it was not worth the effort to be arguing so vehemently. I’m so glad it didn’t affect us long term. Looking back, I realise now that most of our conflict was regarding how we were raising our children.
There were a few things we did do right in this instance:
- We had the argument behind closed doors.
- We made up quickly.
- We learned from it.
Be united in your parenting strategy. This demands a lifetime of communication and discussion. If you find yourself getting into an argument, stop for a moment and ask yourselves how important the issue will be in a year or two’s time. That will give some perspective to it.
And discuss issues rather than blatantly go against the other’s wishes. I learnt that lesson well!
Ephesians 5:33
However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
Keep the smile going.
God bless you!
In His Grip,
Helga xx 🙂