Trust in marriage is essential. I can’t say that enough.
The reason why trust is so important is because it filters into each and every area of married life. Trust is also an outcome of respect. If you respect each other you will trust each other. If you want to be trusted, you must be trustworthy. When trust is broken it is so hard to repair.
One of the most horrifying family murders to ever have taken place in my city involved a man who, almost out of the blue, decided to end it all. He killed his three children, shot his wife, set fire to their home and then committed suicide. His wife survived. After the ordeal and when she had recovered, she could not come up with a reason why he would have done what he did. She trusted him explicitly but he on the other hand had several dark secrets that he had never revealed to her. He carried these around his whole married life. Trust not only involves telling the truth, but it also involves not omitting certain facts on purpose, which are misleading to your spouse. As in this occasion, it can be fatal.
Tell the whole truth and don’t leave out anything that may make your spouse presume differently.
Most people have skeletons in their cupboards. Just make sure they come out before you get married. If not, they’re sure to cause a rattle at some time and when they do come out, it’s always harder to face. If you leave them in the cupboard, guilt inevitably follows.
1. Family Trust.
I once read a story of a woman who had fallen pregnant as a teenager and had given the baby girl up for adoption. Many years later when she married, she never told her husband and travelled through life carrying this enormous burden of guilt. When the daughter came to light 20 years later, the woman was desperate to meet her. It was now 20 times harder to tell her husband. The result was more deceit, hidden expense, clandestine trips. Her husband became suspicious and eventually put a private investigator onto his wife to find out if she was having an affair. And so she was caught out. If only she had told him at the start of her relationship with him.
Other undisclosed family secrets involve possible health or fertility issues. These eventually will come to light and are best revealed before you get married.
2. Financial Trust.
Suze Orman revealed a very interesting statistic on international TV. She said arguing over money is the number one cause of divorce in the United States. It does not surprise me that family members conceal financial details from one another. It does cause tension and it’s embarrassing to be caught out.
When it comes to finances, there should be complete transparency between the two of you. Discuss your finances with each other. It’s not a case of yours and his. Consult each other before you embark on any major expense, but have the freedom to buy lesser expensive items. This is only possible when trust exists between you.
The other day, the bank phoned me and asked if I’d like a GOLD credit card. I launched into this rather naughty diatribe about how I had a “lover” who had given me a credit card with my name on it and had attached it to his account and I could spend as much money as I wanted whenever I wanted! The lady on the other side of the line was shocked. It was as if she had been let into an illicit secret. I ended the conversation by thanking her and telling her that my “lover” was in fact my husband and I didn’t need another credit card! She laughed (in relief I think!). It did make me realise the truth of my statement. I had freedom in spending because Mike trusts that I won’t get us into debt. Mike trusts me and I need to honor that trust and be responsible. God has made us stewards of what He has given us. We need to be good stewards of what He ultimately owns.
I watched a television program on secret gamblers. They had whittled away the family’s wealth and found themselves at the bottom of a dark lonely pit, not knowing how to get out of it. They came clean on international television, much to the shock of their family and colleagues. They had to take drastic steps to stop, but they did and they were so relieved when they did. A huge burden of guilt was dumped, but they still had to live with the consequences of their actions.
Many women love to shop. I’ve heard of many who go overboard and can’t seem to stop and then try and hide their purchases from their husbands. They’re just not going to get anywhere in their marriage if this kind of activity continues. They’re paddling rapidly toward a precipice while their husbands are trying desperately to row the other way to prevent the two of them from going over the edge. If this applies to you, stop what you’re doing, turn around and start paddling in his direction.
Being the primary breadwinner in the family brings with it an enormous amount of stress. Earning sufficient income to maintain a healthy standard of living and to please the family is not easy to do on one’s own. The strong desire to be the provider can lead to misappropriation of money in one way or another. Gambling, theft of petty cash or bigger amounts is not the answer to “providing” for your family. This only leads to heartache, misery, disappointment and possible a jail term. If you are in this situation, own up to it, get out of it, find another solution and find forgiveness from those you have wronged.
3. Sexual Trust.
The Internet is a modern day curse. In years gone by, half-dressed women and promiscuous pictures were only available in sleazy magazines. With the arrival of the world wide web, this kind of smut appears on our computer screens without us asking for it. Add to that the blatant pornographic television shows that regularly are aired and it’s no wonder that the incidence of addiction to pornography is increasing. The Variety magazine cites that 70% of video rentals in the USA are pornographic in nature.
“Can a man scoop fire into his lap without being burned?” Solomon asks in Proverbs 6:27.
Get rid of the smut in your life. Turn over a new leaf today. Even if your spouse doesn’t know about your secret, “a man’s ways are in full view of the Lord and He examines all his paths.” (Proverbs 5:21).
Proverbs 6:32 says a man who commits adultery lacks judgement; whoever does so destroys himself.
It may be that you don’t trust your partner’s love for you enough to know for sure that if the truth were revealed your partner would still love you and stay with you. If you have concealed a deep dark secret from your partner, don’t carry the guilt and shame through your married life. Get it out and come clean with it so that you can move on past it. We all make mistakes.
In marriage, it naturally follows that each partner becomes intimately acquainted with the other, in many different areas. Bathroom & bedroom habits are particularly personal and not to be divulged to friends or family. This is seriously important. If your husband or wife has a habit that is particularly amusing, or an intimate physical characteristic that is unusual, keep it to yourself. Protect your partner’s reputation as you would protect your own.
Seven Tips for Trust
- Be honest with one another.
- Leave no reason for your spouse to doubt what you are saying is true.
- Be able to be accountable at all times.
- Talk daily about your plans so your partner knows where you are and what you’re up to.
- Keep appointments with each other and be on time.
- Do not withhold information for any reason.
- Be trustworthy – do not compromise.
You may not have been trustworthy in the past. But that’s the point. It’s passed. Today is a new day and this is the opportunity for you to start being trustworthy and honest.
….but God is able.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
God bless you!
In His Grip,
Helga