The two little words “I’m sorry” are so healing.

More than 30 years ago, I had a friend who went off the rails. He was in a position of leadership and I was the young teenage whistle-blower. I told his boss what he was doing and he lost his job. He was very angry with me and for all those years, he harboured bitterness and hatred toward me. I didn’t know it. I innocently carried on my life, sometimes wondering where he was and what he was doing. Unbelievably, he was lugging around a suitcase of anger toward me. Amazingly, our paths crossed more than 2000km away, more than 20 years after the event. He was devastated to see me and was still very bitter.

I noticed him a few times in church and one day to my astonishment, he arrived at the radio station where I worked and asked if he could speak to me. I took him into our sun lounge and we had coffee together. After a little small talk, he came right out with why he was there. “Helga,” he said, “I need to ask you something.” I waited. “Will you forgive me?” He went onto explain that for the last 2 decades he had harboured a deep anger and bitterness towards me. He saw me (and not his untoward behaviour) as the cause of his downfall.  I forgave him immediately. It was a strong and powerful moment that cleared the air and levelled the playing fields of our lives back to mutual respect and friendship. I always admired him for taking that courageous step of off-loading the toxic burden that anger brings. This is true:

Some years ago, one Friday afternoon I was driving home and running a little late. The children were waiting for me to collect them and take them to camp, so I had one thing on my mind – get home. As I went round a traffic circle, I glanced to my left to ensure the car that was coming from that direction was in fact going to stop. As I looked directly ahead of me, to my horror, the elderly gentleman in the car in front of me decided he wasn’t sure of this third vehicle’s intention and stopped dead in the middle of the circle. I rammed on my break and skidded to a halt, just skimming my front right light into his bumper. I jumped out of the car and met the other driver on the road. On ascertaining neither of us were injured we examined the damage. I certainly had come off a bit worse than he had. He hardly had a scratch on his bumper. My front right light was broken. With damage minimal and no bodily harm done, we wished each other the best and off I continued home. What a nuisance. I had to phone Mike AGAIN and tell him I’d “dinged” the car. At times I think I married a saint. I’ve had to apologize for “car events” more times than I care to remember!

I once put water where the oil goes;  I’ve backed into a pole, had my side mirror scratched by a passing truck and been dented by someone reversing!  Millions of men would have reacted with anger and had a few choice words to say about women drivers. When the fault has been mine Mike has forgiven me for every single one.

Thankfully, there have been no fender benders for about a dozen years, although recently I did reverse out of the garage with the back door open. Fortunately I stopped in time to prevent it from ripping off its hinges!  Oops! Take care, Helga!

And then there have been big apologies. Inappropriate relationships, temper tantrums, the odd large and ugly argument, unfair accusations. We’ve both had to say sorry numbers of times and I can guarantee you, it’s not going to stop.

So how do you say sorry? I remember when I put water where the oil goes in the engine of my car. I know it was a really stupid thing to do! I mean REALLY stupid! But we ALL make mistakes. Only some of us admit to them! On this particular day, I phoned the garage first and asked for some advice. As you can imagine, the mechanic wasn’t very optimistic. With no hope of a quick fix in sight, I took the plunge and dialled Mike’s number.  The conversation started like this: “Mike, I’ve done something really stupid.” Mike listened in horror. He could hear that I was clearly distressed and any anger on his part was going to only make me feel worse. He told me not to worry. He’d be home as soon as he could and we’d take it from there! “Just DON’T move the car!”

Start getting used to the idea of needing to say sorry, early in your relationship, before you say “I do” even and it will make forgiveness easier as the years progress. Don’t presume forgiveness. Say I’m sorry.

It takes a mature person to admit error. Perhaps it’s time to grow up and apologise.

Simple steps to saying I’m sorry.

1. Never shout it.
2. Stop what you’re doing.
3. Get closer to your spouse.
4. Make good eye contact.
5. Say something like “I’m sorry I’ve hurt you. It wasn’t my intention. Please will you forgive me”?

If you’re on the receiving end:

1. Don’t panic.
2. If the reason for the apology is really big, take a deep breath and count to ten.
3. A very wise idea is regardless of what the problem is, to immediately say “let me give this some thought and we can talk about it later”.
4. Do not react in anger.
5. Do not launch into a tirade of insults or character assassination.
6. Remember the person who is apologising knows he/she has done wrong.

Three good quotes to remember

• A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers. ~Ruth Bell Graham

• Once a woman has forgiven her man, she must not reheat his sins for breakfast. ~Marlene Dietrich
• Marriage is three parts love and seven parts forgiveness of sins. ~Langdon Mitchell

And finally what the Bible says:

Ephesians 4:32

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

Keep the smile going. Marriage is worth it.

God bless you!

In His Grip,

Helga xx 🙂