In-law troubles can plague a marriage. But it goes without saying that when you marry, your new marriage partner comes with a whole lot of family, whom you haven’t chosen.
Several events involving family members, particularly on my side of the family, have added flavour to our journey through married life. Mike has borne the ups and downs with the most remarkable patience and respect. He has loved and accepted my family as his own. He has welcomed them into our home with magnanimity & at times, long suffering. He has sacrificed and supported – he has advised and counselled.
When my mother passed away in January 2004, I was at her bedside in Johannesburg far from our home in Cape Town. The moment he heard that she had died, he booked a ticket to Johannesburg and flew up to be by my side, to offer support to my siblings and I and to deliver the eulogy at my dear Mom’s memorial service. I have always appreciated that. It was at no small expense and yet he willingly and sacrificially went out of his way to make sure he got up to us as soon as he could.
Mike’s parents & I have always got on well. After Mike’s Dad passed away in 1999, we encouraged his Mom to move closer to us. When she broke her hip in 2000, she began to see some sense in the move. We built a cottage in our back garden and after 40 years in East London, “Granny” (as I referred to her as the Granny of our children) moved to Cape Town. What an exemplary mother-in-law she was. Total acceptance of her by our family and she of us ensured a happy extended family.
Mike & I had been married just over 15 years when his mother came to stay. Before that, we were on our own. We had no unpaid baby sitters, no large family get togethers, no sister or brothers drop by for coffee. Mike & I have been best friends and have depended on each other for both companionship and advice. We had no parents to run to when we’ve argued. No sides have been taken and nobody has been there to interfere. I do believe that it has contributed to the happiness and closeness that we have enjoyed. To those of you who have interfering family members, you do need to have a serious discussion about putting down some ground rules and insisting intruding family abide by them.
One of the main reasons why our arrangement worked so well is because of my mother – in-law’s own experience in years gone by. When she was a young woman, her father in law passed away and as was expected at the time, she and her husband had to move in with her mother–in-law. The home they had built was sold and she had to go and run her husband’s mother’s home. It was not an easy time and she well remembers the difficulty she had at the time. This always made her very sensitive to her situation with us.
In time Granny became increasingly frail. Soon she was no longer able to live on her own and moved into the house with us. Eventually, in February 2013, after being with us for 11 years, she moved into the loving Ladies’ Christian Home in Cape Town. She spent the last 7 months of her life there, passing away on 7th October 2013. I remember her fondly.
Here are some of what I feel were the unwritten, unspoken but golden rules that worked so well with us:
My Mother –in-law:
- Never interfered. She understood her children were adults. She left us alone to get on with the job of leading our lives and raising our
- Never told us what we should or shouldn’t be doing.
- Got her own circle of friends and attended a different Bible study and a different church to us.
- Did her own shopping and while she was physically able, she was entirely independent.
- Never took advantage of us, she didn’t ask for endless help or badger us to help her in any way.
- Never overdid it for us either. She didn’t try and buy attention.
- Never got involved in family squabbles.
- Always maintained her sense of humour!
Well done Granny!
Our Family:
- Always treated Granny with respect and dignity, even right at the end.
- Understood that as she aged, she was more frail and less able to do bigger tasks and we worked towards meeting the needs she had in this area.
- Accepted that sometimes she wanted a break from us and this was nothing personal.
- Assisted her with advice on issues such as medical aid, her car and finances.
- Provided a happy family environment, security for her and love and care.
- Were happy for her to have responsibilities in our home where she felt free to do chores knowing she was a help and valued and was not interfering.
- Worked on using her strengths such as sewing, baking and gardening (and we were the very happy recipients).
- Drew from her 89 years of experience and enjoyed many hot cups of tea and unbelievable chocolate crunchies.
Living with in-laws can work well, but there need to be boundaries and the relationship needs to be based on respect and love.
To my mother–in-law you were a shining example and I want to be like you one day!
Appreciate your parents and parents-in-law – they won’t be around forever.
Ephesians 6:2
“Honor your father and mother”–which is the first commandment with a promise–
Keep the smile going.
God bless you!
In His Grip,
Helga xx 🙂