Coping With Unemotional Men (or no men at all)

1-05pm

I don’t think I ever saw my Dad cry. It doesn’t mean he didn’t. It just means I never saw him. I also know he had a lot of difficulty actually saying, “I love you” to his children.

I was an outgoing, loving, giving daughter. He was my primary care giver from when I was 12 until I left school (and home) at the age of 18. I appreciated my Dad very much. Even if he didn’t say, “I love you,” I felt he loved me, I felt he accepted me and I felt he trusted me.  So when I was out looking for a husband, I sought a man who emulated these characteristics. I certainly found them in truckloads in  Mike.  🙂

But one thing I learned about my Dad as I got older, was that as a child, he received very little affirmation. In fact, he once told me a horrible story about his childhood. His Mom went to see his teacher. My Dad was just a tiny tot, about 5 years old. Not expecting him to be understanding or absorbing any of what was being said, the teacher foolishly said to my Grandmother, “Derek will never amount to much. He is a dunce.”  At that age, my Dad may not have known what a dunce was, but he knew it was something negative and he was affected by that horrible, untrue comment for the rest of his life. In fact just a short while before he died, I exchanged a couple of emails with him. I had written to him to tell him that Stacey had performed very well in her Engineering degree and was on the UCT Dean’s List. He replied, in raptures, expressing his delight, adding that some of Stacey’s genetic make up came from him. Her performance somehow validated his worth and that he could finally prove he was not a dunce. Sad story! He was 76 years old when he said that and a few months later he passed away.

There is an understanding that some men who do not give their wives or children emotional support,  cannot, because they themselves have not received it. They don’t know how. It may have been that they were forbidden from showing emotion. It may have been that they were never shown affection themselves. Either way, our parents and their parents coped with life in the only way they knew how. Sometimes, unfortunately, it was to withdraw and to hold back. In doing so, they do not show love, comfort and emotional support to their dearest family and it may be at times when their family need it most. Especially women. We need arms around us. We need to be reassured. We need to be hugged hard! We need declarations that they are there for us and will never leave us. We need to hear words of affirmation. We need encouragement. We need to be told that we can climb this mountain. We need to know that everything will be alright.

I understand that they need to hear those words too. We women need to be there as our husband’s biggest fan. But I can imagine that for women who feel isolated from their husbands in dire times of emotional need, would struggle to give emotional support when they themselves are so needy.

For me, in a healthy, giving, secure, nurturing marriage, I still end up saying Jesus is my only guarantee.

And for those women who struggle in this area – not enough male affirmation – a husband who holds back from giving (non-sexual) physical attention – no emotional support, and to single women, to you I say, Cling To God. Let Him be to you all the Comfort you need. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.”

He will NEVER  let you go. He will NEVER let you down. He is ALWAYS with you. You are NEVER alone. He has your heart ETERNALLY in His hands. He hugs you HARD.  He cannot LOVE you more. He will be for you what NO man can be.

And, God can be to all MEN and WOMEN, all they need.

Take those words to heart today.

Keep the smile going.

God bless you!

In His Grip,

Helga xx 🙂

Gratitude Pic. Today, Granny would have turned 90. She passed away 10 months ago today… So glad she gets to be in heaven this year. Thank you, Jesus, for happy memories of Granny! She loved the roses at Ladies Christian Home….

Ha, she looks quite hip in the denim jacket. She was cold so I put my jacket on her. (Actually, the jacket was given to me by Riana!)