I woke up this morning with an incident on my mind. It happened almost 29 years ago and took place just a few weeks after Mike & I married. We had officially said, “I do” and then gone off on an idyllic two week honeymoon. We returned to Cape Town and to our new rented flat on Woodside Road, Tamboerskloof. We had two bedrooms, a spacious lounge / dining area and an open plan kitchen. The modern tiled entrance hall and French doors into the lounge always made me feel I was living in luxury!
Mike and I went back to work. I was working at the Leeuwendal private hospital, which was a short walk away. Mike was manager at the YMCA on Queen Victoria St. in the City Centre. I often worked until 7pm, but regularly only started work at 1pm, so had some time available in the morning.
One evening, I got home just after 7pm. Mike was already home. I could immediately tell something was wrong! He seemed to have a black cloud hanging over his head. “What’s wrong?” I asked. “Nothing,” he replied. “There’s definitely something wrong,” I said. “No,” he said, “It’s nothing, don’t worry about it.”. Still the misery continued. “Mike! You’ve got to tell me what’s wrong! Don’t do this to me. Just tell me!” I pleaded. Eventually, Mike walked up to the dressing table in the bedroom and swept his finger across the surface. A noticeable layer of dust was clearly visible on his now raised hand. “Dust,” he said “you’re just not doing any housework!”
( How I laugh when I think back to that memorable moment in my life. )
“Oh,” I said. “I can do housework.”
And so I learned about the need to clean the house and I also soon learned that it was a NEVER ending exercise!
I reminded Mike of that conversation. He groaned a little and said, “now I don’t even notice it!”
The truth was, Mike lowered his standards and I raised mine and we met comfortably in the middle. The house is not perfect but other things get in the way and the dust just comes back so if it has to wait a day or two, so be it.
But the moral of my story is that people change.
Marriage will never be static. You’re not going to get married and expect automatically to be on the same page and agreeing with everything the other says or wants to do. Marriage is made up of two people who both have needs, desires and dreams and often times, they may not match.
Marriage is about support and negotiation. You want the other to have their dreams met, so you work together on finding out what both of you are thinking and desiring and let the other’s dream become yours.
Marriage is not a power struggle. It’s a loving, caring relationship that is based on mutual respect of God first and the other next. You are your spouse’s biggest fan. You want them to succeed. You want them to feel safe with you and loved and cared for and about. You are in the same boat, rowing up the river in the same direction. This only comes with mutual understanding and communication.
Marriage is sacrifice. You are not always going to get your own way. Sometimes, it’s worth letting your desires go and letting the other have theirs. If you need to do that, don’t get bitter and resentful. That won’t help. Lay down your dreams and leave them with the knowledge that God knows all things and with Him all things are possible.
Marriage requires patience. Just because you want something done NOW, it doesn’t mean your spouse is happy to do it immediately. Finding compromise is important.
There are seasons in marriage. Because it is not static, good times come and more difficult times come. There are summers of bright sunshine and winters of dark storms. There is always a new season coming.
As I reflect on our almost 29 years of marriage, it’s with great appreciation and gratitude to God for pouring His love into our hearts. Throughout the ups and downs of our married life, during times of plenty and times of want, in times of sickness and in times of fitness, in times of hardship and in times of happiness we can well echo the words from Psalm 126:3
The LORD has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy
Keep on keeping on.
And keep the smile going!
God bless you!
In His Grip,
Helga xx 🙂
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