What I wrote yesterday, unleashed long forgotten memories which have not been pleasant to dwell on. That incident with my Mom at the swimming pool bought it all back. I thought about what should have happened.
There I was standing defiantly by the back left corner of the pool. My Mom, on the brink of leaving my Dad, down by the shallow end. My arms were folded, my lips pursed. She pleaded with me to come to her. I should have gone. I should have wailed, “I don’t want you to leave me. What will I do without you?” I should have fallen into her arms and bawled my eyes out. Cried out all the pain and anguish I felt. But I remained silent…and distant.
And almost 40 years later, it bubbled to the surface and I wept.
I think care is needed that one doesn’t allow negative issues of the past to get a stranglehold on you. They are in the past and staying there with them is dangerous.
But as I processed the strangeness of dealing with long ago emotions, two remarkable things came to mind.
- It is remarkable that 4 decades later I can feel the intensity of that moment’s pain.
- What’s even more remarkable is that I turned out as emotionally healthy as I have.
I don’t really understand the first except to say that back in those days, our parents didn’t rush us off to psychologists or counsellors to deal with our issues – to have someone to talk to. Life just carried on.
The second I do understand.
GOD.
He gave me the love, security and stability that I craved.
He will never leave me.
He put my feet on solid ground. He gave me beauty when there should have been ashes. He cradled my heart lovingly in His hands and He covered the hurt, mending the bruising, tenderly bringing healing and strength….
….and laughter and joy and love and happiness and the richness of a relationship with Him.
And so, He still has to be my Centre. He never changes. My life may change, my circumstances may change, but God never does.
He is my Rock and my Foundation.
I’ve regularly pondered the strangeness of the message:
Believe in Jesus and you will be saved.
But that’s what I did.
And I am.
Ephesians 2:8-9
For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast.…
Keep the smile going.
God bless you.
In His Grip,
Helga xx 🙂