12-46pm
Yesterday, I went to Toni’s memorial service. I was moved by it, mainly because I knew that Toni had planned it. She knew the day would come when we would gather to bid her farewell. She left a message for us…
She actually did not want too much fuss. Pastor Mark Harris conducted the service, compassionately, lovingly and at times, emotionally. The picture in my mind of Toni’s husband, Guy, with their two boys, Alex and Stephen and their daughter Paris sitting in a row, is I think the most sobering and poignant memory. This was not how it was supposed to be. She was 53.
Guy’s tribute was so special. It painted a picture of all that Toni was – strong, capable, loving, compassionate, joyful, a leader with a big personality and sense of humour to go with it. It made the loss harder to cope with. She loved Casting Crowns and their music was very meaningful for her. Who Am I? one of their most popular song was played. It was hard not to get emotional. The chorus really struck a chord…
“I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow.
A wave tossed in the ocean.
A vapor in the wind.
Still You hear me when I’m calling.
Lord, You catch me when I’m falling.
And You’ve told me who I am.
I am Yours, I am Yours.”
I found myself very subdued. Life is so fragile. We need to make the most of every moment. I was intent on hugging my husband a little longer & loving all over my children more frequently. But Adrian and Stacey live in Swellendam, getting on with their own lives. David doesn’t live at home either. He’s got his life to get on with.
I came home to an empty house – Mike was out at the driving range! :/
This is reality. Life carries on. My family don’t need me gushing platitudes of loving emotion all over them. They know that I love them.
I asked myself, ‘what do I do with this….this emotion….this sad, depressed, unhappy feeling of morbidity?’ Toni is dead. “I don’t understand, Lord. It’s so painful.” And then I was reminded, ‘It’s not about now. It’s not about here.’ I thought of a massive hall – and a pencil line drawn right the way around it. I imagined taking the pencil and putting one dot on the line. That dot represents my life on earth. The rest of the pencil line is eternity. Eternity is a very, very long time. We live on a grain of sand. There is so, so, so much more to come. We live by FAITH – Forsaking All, I Trust Him.
1 Corinthians 13:12
For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
We will never understand this side of eternity. All I can do is lay down the pain. Keep trusting God; believing in Jesus; knowing there is more to come. In that there is comfort.
I remember speaking to Toni several months ago. The topic of her funeral came up and we asked her what she wanted said at it. Bubbling with laughter, she said, “Tell them they need to know Jesus and have their “asses” checked!” I’ve often thought about that statement. Did Toni take the hit for future generations? Early detection is so important. Her children will learn from this.
Two things I know for sure. Toni is in a better, happier, exuberant place and she doesn’t want us to mope. I have no doubt she is one of the vast crowd of witnesses that testify to our lives.
So go and live life to the fullest. Have fun. Play. Love. Laugh. Appreciate.
Do whatever it takes to keep the smile going.
God bless you!
In His Grip,
Helga xx 🙂
Gratitude Pic…a life lived well and to the fullest…in our hearts forever Toni…
