We live in a society of feminism, where women are equal to men in all areas and professions. So when it comes to control within the marriage, there have to be clearly defined roles, so that each partner has control of their area. At the end of the day, the control is shared.
The next step in the process is to decide which partner is responsible for which area of control.
In Western society, whenever we get to the role of the wife in a marriage, if the word SUBMIT comes up, generally people cringe. It so goes against the grain of the independent woman of our day and age. But in God’s design, which is the one I choose to follow, when the husband fulfills his role in the way God planned it, the woman’s role of submission actually works. What has happened in the world today is that we have messed things up by not fulfilling our roles. The husband may be abusive, domineering, controlling, unfaithful, unloving and unreasonable. No wife will be able to submit in that situation, but if the husband fulfills his role, the wife will be happy to submit to him because he does not take advantage of her and he loves her and protects her.
The Christian perspective may be a difficult pill for many women to swallow. There’s no better way of sizing it up then from the Insight section of the Bible League’s Devotional Study Bible. It says:
“In return for the care and protection given by the husband, the wife is to help the husband in any way that is lawful. She is to give herself to him, even as he gives himself to her. She is to submit to him as the authority in the home. “Wives, submit to your husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ is the head of the church.” (Ephesians 5:22-23). The role of the wife is to make the life of the husband more enjoyable, easier. He cares for her and in return she is to care for him. She is to encourage him, defend him, and lift him up in the eyes of all her relatives and friends. She is to honor his decisions and abide by them. This does not mean that she may not voice her opinion or suggest council to him. But it does mean that his decision is final. To obey her husband is no more demeaning for a wife than is obedience by the church to Jesus Christ.”
Husbands, before you throw your fist in the air in victory, your part in the deal is just as demanding.
The Bible tells us:
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her to make her holy. …In the same way husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife, loves himself”. (Ephesians 5:25 &28).
There’s no place for violence in the role of the husband. There is a place for kindness, care, love, tenderness, acceptance, protection and respect.
In this day and age women have no difficulty in assuming the role of head of the home. It’s not that they are not capable of it. That couldn’t be further from the truth. The real truth, I believe is that unless she is a single parent it’s not her job. Of course there may be times in your life when your husband is not able to be provider, but that doesn’t mean he need not fill his role of leader, decision maker protector and spiritual head.
About the roles of the husband, Dr. James Dobson states there are 3 primary roles: That of provider, protector, leader of the family both generally and spiritually.
It is important that each partner understands his or her role in the marriage. When partners fulfill their role, home life feels safe, is happy and there is peace! Isn’t that what we are all aiming for?
Another phrase that Dr. Dobson used on his Focus on the Family program was that women want a man who they can look up to, but won’t look down on them.
The wife does not assume the role of the servant to the husband and the husband is not a brute of a master who demands unequivocal obedience.
If there is a conflict of roles or a power struggle in your home, perhaps it is time address the issue. Have a discussion about how you are measuring up to the Biblical Standard. The choice is yours, but it works!
TEN TIPS TO ALLEVIATING THE POWER STRUGGLE
- Pray together.
- Wife, your husband is the head of the home.
- Husband, take the lead and be the head of your home.
- Wife, respect your husband.
- Husband, love your wife.
- Wife, support your husband in their decisions.
- Husband, make decisions in collaboration with your wife.
- Listen a lot.
- Love a lot.
- Smile a lot.
BE WILLING TO MAKE SACRIFICES.
Hello day one of marriage!
When it comes to marriage, sacrifice is part of the deal for both husband and wife.
It starts on the first day of your married life and continues your whole life through. It works like this. You are no longer a single person with only yourself to worry about. The moment you say “I do,” you now have to think for two. No longer what you say, you can do. You have to take into account the thoughts, desires and needs of your mate.
At times, it’s a hard call.
Which is why I so often take my hat off to Mike and give him an extra pat on the back. He had been a bachelor for so long, he was very set in his ways. The sacrifices he had to make were harder because he had done things that way for such a long time. For me, I was young and flexible. For me it was a learning experience, which in some ways worked very much in Mike’s favour. He would say “this is how I do it.” And I would say “okay, so I’ll do it that way as well!”
But it didn’t always work like that! When we met, Mike was living at the YMCA and I was living in a nurses’ home, where men were not allowed in the rooms. So for the whole year of our courtship, Mike never saw how I lived.
The month before we married, I moved out of the nurses’ home and into an apartment which would be our first home. On the day I moved, Mike came to help me. This was the first time he had seen my room. I will never forget him standing at the door with a concerned look on his face. He was marrying a “messie” and he had just found out! Being the eternal diplomat, he said nothing. But that look on his face made me realise something was up!
Poor Mike!
After I moved in, we didn’t have too much stuff, so it was easy to keep relatively organized. But after we married, one day I came home from work to a seriously disturbed husband. A dark cloud hung over his head, but every time I asked him what the problem was, he replied “it’s nothing.” Eventually I dragged it out of him. He went up to the dressing table and wiped his finger across it, revealing a dark line of dust. “Housework, Helgs. The place is so dusty!” “Ohhhhh,” I replied, “Housework! I can do that!” I had never had to cook or clean! It was a new beginning. If I was to please my husband, August 1986 was the time to start learning the art and grind of housework!
Never was there a time as happy as when Mike came home to a clean house. But essentially, the upbringing I had did not allow for housework to be a high priority. As much as it was a sacrifice for me to clean, it was a sacrifice for Mike to put up with my half-hearted efforts. As the years have progressed, I have clearly seen my standard rise. I have seen Mike’s very high standard drop a notch or two & the two of us have met comfortably in the middle.
It’s most often the little things that require sacrifice in marriage ie. Which movie to see, will it be a Sci-Fi or a Romantic Comedy? Which restaurant, his choice or hers? Although you may sacrifice your choice today, there must be balance where you get your choice next time.
Don’t dwell on the sacrifices you’ve made. Often it’s not that you have sacrificed for your marriage, but more commonly it’s been for your family as a whole. My experience shows that it has been worth it. I have also discovered that if you make the effort in sacrificing in the little things, your spouse and whole family for that matter will be more likely to sacrifice for you too.
Sacrifice is part of married life. You do not marry to be served but to serve and the sooner you learn that lesson, the happier you will be! That applies to both husbands and wives.
Keep the smile going.
God bless you!
In His Grip,
Helga xx 🙂
