Dealing with Conflict
Helga van Niekerk
It was several years ago that Mike had an ailment that didn’t come right. After several consultations with our GP, the Dr. phoned me with blood results and concluded Mike needed to be referred. I was expecting the GP to simply say, he would write a letter and fax it through to the physician, but instead the GP suggested Mike come in for another consultation that day so that he could be referred. It sounded ludicrous. Mike had seen the GP about this problem several times and I certainly felt another consultation was not required. So I innocently asked the Dr, “Why does he need another consultation with you? Why can he not go straight to the physician?” The Dr was furious! “Fine!” he spat, “he doesn’t need to come back to me!” Then I was in the humbling position of admitting I didn’t know the physician’s name or number! My GP gave it to me in stern and unfriendly terms! I cringed. I’d clearly offended him. Time passed. Mike after losing 10kg in 6 weeks, got better and all was well. Except in the back of my mind, I knew that I was not on friendly terms with my GP. I didn’t ever need to see him again. I could quite easily change to another GP in the area and our family could start seeing someone else. But some months later, when the need arose for a Dr’s visit, I decided to do the ‘adult’ thing and to consult with our regular Dr. You see, we have always lived in this area. We will be around a long time. Our paths will cross one way or another. Life is too short to hold a grudge. And so back to the Dr. we went and there was absolutely no tension. Life went on.
Over the last many years, I have seen conflict in my family life, in my social circles and in my professional life. Conflict happens. It is part of life. How we handle it is the defining factor of how life proceeds from then on. It’s interesting how much conflict appears in the Word of God. Beginning with Adam and Eve, there are “people issues” all through the Bible. From Genesis to Revelation, they are there in black and white. (At the end of this essay, I’ve listed a few references pertaining to how we should act in regard to conflict).
Over my life, I have made some grave errors when it comes to dealing with people. I am sorry for those mistakes and I still bear the internal regrets of them. There are relationships which are broken and which may never be repaired. I am saddened because I know if I had said less and prayed more, if I had reacted differently, things would have turned out differently. There are other relationships, like the one with the Dr and another very special one (for which I am so so grateful) that was resolved. One thing I know for sure : – I have learnt lessons which I would never have learnt had I not made those mistakes. And so today, on the back of all the above, I outline a conflict resolution strategy. This is by no means complete. No doubt, more issues will arise in my life & there are more lessons to be learnt.
The backbone of my strategy lies in Ephesians 4:2 which says:-
“Be completely humble and gentle. Be patient, bearing with one another in love.
1.Humility
Be quick to sincerely apologise.
Say less.
Listen more.
Give the benefit of the doubt.
Allow the other person to be right.
Have their interests in heart.
Turn the other cheek.
Do not gossip about the situation or people.
Keep the situation confidential to protect the reputation of the person involved as well as yours.
Romans 12:3 says Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you.
John Newton in The Letters of John Newton wrote: There is no right way to do a wrong thing. What will it profit a man if he gains his cause, and silences his adversary, if at the same time he loses that humble tender frame of spirit in which the Lord delights, and to which the promise of His presence is made!
Ephesians 4:32 Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.
2. Gentleness
Calm down.
Bite your tongue.
Don’t criticize.
Don’t lash out.
Don’t raise your voice.
Build up.
Encourage.
Comfort.
Understand.
Aim at diffusing the situation.
Show love and compassion.
Do not judge the person. Jesus Himself says in Matthew 7:1 “Do not judge, or you too will be judged”.
3. Patience
Allow them to speak.
Don’t interrupt.
Listen.
Don’t retaliate.
Make sure you know the facts – spend time finding them out.
Be extremely cautious about you say on email, BBM, SMS, on Facebook, Twitter or in a handwritten letter.
Don’t send anything in the heat of the moment.
If you write something down to send to someone with whom you are in conflict, wait a few hours before sending it. If you can, wait 24 hours. Then re-read it. Read it in the light of it being published in the newspaper. Read it in the light of your Pastor reading it. Read it in the light of Jesus reading it.
Writing things mean that others can re-read them. They may “read between the lines” things that are not there.
They may misunderstand what is written.
If you take a grey dot and put it against a black background, it appears white. If you take the same grey dot and put it against a white background, it appears black.
When you make a statement it all depends on the person’s background & frame of mind as to how they will perceive what is written.
Emotions ebb and flow – people may be having a bad day, be not feeling well, have not eaten for several hours, be hormonal, be depressed, have home or work issues, other stressors in their lives.
Try and resolve the situation eye to eye and not via email or SMS or even telephonically.
It’s easier to make inflammatory statements in writing than in person.
If you feel you are going to absolutely lose it, remove yourself from company and go and have your angry outburst somewhere else, away from the presence of the people involved. Vent, if necessary, on someone you can trust, who will not judge you and will keep the issue confidential.
4. Bearing with one another in love
Let our words be underscored with love, primarily the love of Christ and what He would do in each situation.
Each of us has to walk on our own path.
We come into adulthood carrying truck-loads of baggage.
Understand that some are carrying more than others.
Some struggle with issues others find easy to deal with.
Make allowances for personality types, culture differences and varying upbringings.
Do not be hypocritical – It’s so easy to judge someone else’s actions without seeing your own failures. Of this Jesus says: “You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye”.
(Matthew 7:5)
None of us are perfect.
If you have been wronged, extend to the person the same grace and mercy you would want extended to you, if you were in the same situation.
If bitter words have been said, accusations hurled and hurtful names called, ask for forgiveness and then act upon it in reconciliation. If necessary, make amends.
The amount you get out of a relationship is directly related to the amount you put in.
Many years ago I used to watch the Dr Phil show often. One of the things I always remember him saying was in each relationship, you have the opportunity to contribute to a relationship or to contaminate it. We need to be aware of how powerful our words are. Criticism is toxic. Name calling is hurtful. Angry words can echo in the minds of the recipient for years.
We cannot control others. We can control our own behaviour and our own words and our own reactions. Do everything in love.
If necessary, seek the advice of an independent mature adviser who can assess the situation without being emotionally involved.
In ending, above all seek Biblical advice & the advice of the God who made us – He knows us best and has all the solution for all the problems we face.
Bible verses relating to conflict:
Proverbs 15:1 ESV A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
Ecclesiastes 7:16 NIV Do not be overrighteous, neither be overwise–why destroy yourself?
Matthew 5:9 ESV “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.
Matthew 18:16 ESV But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses.
Ephesians 4:26 ESV Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger.
Philippians 2:4 ESV Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.
Romans 12:16 NIV Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.
Romans 12:17-19 ESV Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.”
1 Peter 4:11NIV If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To Him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen.
James 1:19 ESV Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger;
James 4:1 ESV What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you?